Phantom Whose Line is It, Anyway?
by Theater Raven
Summary: What if our beloved characters appeared on the classic comedy show?
1. Chapter 1

HOSTESS: Good Evening, everyone, and welcome to "Whose Line is It, Anyway?"  
Someone call a hair stylist—Raoul de Changy!   
He's got a mask only a prop manager could love—Lerik!  
Are they _really_ just chorus girls?—Meg and Christine!  
And she brought down a chandelier—Carlotta!  
And I'm your hostess, come on down, let's have some fun!  
Welcome to "Whose Line is It, Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like a maskless Erik on Halloween!

ERIK: Erik takes that as a compliment.

HOSTESS: Let's go on to a game called "Scenes from a Hat", this is for all five of you, and what we did before the show is asked the audience to write down suggestions for scenes they'd like our actors to perform and we took the good ones and put them in this hat. So, let's get started! (Reads slip of paper) Bad things to put in a Christmas stocking.

ERIK: (Pantomimes pulling something out of a stocking) Oh, boy! Rope! (Twists it into a Punjab and laughs maniacally)

CARLOTTA: Dog biscuits?!  
_Buzzer sounds._

HOSTESS: (Reading paper) Rejected Hallmark cards.

CHRISTINE: (Reading the front of a card) To my first love: So this is what it feels like to fall in love,/ to be full of happiness to the core,/ to finally have some hope after never loving before... (Opens up card) ...So what makes you think you can ditch me for the fop, you stupid Opera whore?  
_Buzzer sounds._ Christine_ glares in _Erik's_ direction._  
HOSTESS: (Reading from a paper) Other gifts the Three Wisemen considered.  
RAOUL: (To Erik) Well, let's see, I brought gold, what did you bring?  
ERIK: A Starbucks giftcard.   
MEG: I brought cheese.  
_Buzzer sounds, ending the game._   
HOSTESS: All right, 1,000 points to Christine for finally admitting her true purpose at the Opera.  
_Everyone cheers and laughs and there are several catcalls from the audience._   
HOSTESS: We'll be right back with more WLiIA?, don't go away!

HOSTESS: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it, Anyway?"!  
Let's go on to a game called "Party Quirks", this is again for all five of you, and what's going to happen here is Meg is going to be hosting a party. Raoul, Christine, Erik, and Carlotta are each going to take these slips of paper and become a certain character or develop a certain characteristic, and they've never seen these cards before. So, whenever you're ready, Meg, take it away!  
MEG: Let's see, I've got the soda and the onion dip, okay, I think that's everything!  
_Doorbell rings._  
MEG: (To Christine) Hi, Christine, come on in!  
Christine_ enters. Her card reads, "Rupert Julian arguing with Lon Chaney"._  
CHRISTINE: How dare you!  
MEG: Um, are you okay?  
CHRISTINE: No, I am not! (Storms in) Look, you may have countless faces, but is a film director one of them? I don't think so!  
MEG: Well...okay. You just help yourself to the munchies and I'll—.  
_Doorbell._   
MEG: Hey, Raoul, how's it going? Come in.  
Raoul's_ card reads, "A lactose intolerant dairy farmer trying to milk his cows"._  
RAOUL: (Kneels down) It's okay...it's okay...   
MEG: Yeah, it is...um, are you hungry? There's food.  
RAOUL: (To invisible cow) It's okay, Bessie, we're gonna get through this like we always do, okay?  
CHRISTINE: (To Raoul) How dare you call me such a name! What the fk is wrong with you? And don't use the 'I'm in character' excuse on me!  
MEG: You two just sit tight, I left something in the--.  
_Doorbell._  
MEG: Hi, Carlotta!  
Carlotta's_ card reads, "What the Phantom was thinking during MotN"._  
CARLOTTA: You are looking _so_ hot right now...  
MEG: Ummm...have you met my friend Raoul?   
Raoul_ is pantomiming squeezing milk from a cow's utter._   
RAOUL: That's it, Bessie, good girl, just don't...aaaaargh! I got milk in my eye! It burns! Get it out, get it out, get it out! (Runs around like a headless chicken)  
MEG: I have some towels in the bathroom...  
CHRISTINE: This is no time for a bathroom break! You always have to get your way, don't you? Well, let me tell you something: There is a _reason_ the shower scene hit the cutting room floor!  
CARLOTTA: Seriously, that costume designer _outdid_ herself!  
_Doorbell._  
MEG: Hi, Erik!  
Erik's_ card reads, "Things the ballet girls discuss in the dressing room"._  
ERIK: Are my tights ripped?  
MEG: I don't—.   
ERIK: So, yesterday, I was doing my leap, and I _totally_ pulled a muscle!  
MEG: That's too bad, but...  
CHRISTINE: Oh, wah! Do you ever stop nagging? First it's a pulled muscle, then it's, 'My nose is bleeding because of my wires'. _Suck it up!_ You're the one who signed on for this, Mr. I-Can-Make-Myself-into-Any-Shape-I-Choose! What's your next project—the living balloon animal?!  
MEG: Hey, don't you diss Lon Chaney like that, Rupert Julian!  
_Buzzer sounds,_ Christine_ leaves._  
RAOUL: (Crying) That's one less potential customer to buy my cheese! It's not like I can eat it myself! I—.  
MEG: Are you a lactose intolerant dairy farmer?   
_Buzzer,_ Raoul_ leaves._  
ERIK: ...And then, Jenny said that she _read Kathy's diary!_  
MEG: All right, all right, I know who you are—we talked about that last week—you're one of the ballet girls!  
Erik_ leaves._  
CARLOTTA: Well, looks like it's just you and me...  
MEG: Umm...  
CARLOTTA: Really, someone needs to upgrade that costume lady's salary. Thanks to her, _somebody_ is looking very sexy in her nightie right now...  
MEG: You're Erik. I'd know that kind of talk anywhere!   
ERIK: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?  
_Buzzer sounds, ending the game._  
HOSTESS: 250 points for Carlotta for getting Erik's thoughts down to a T!  
Let's go on to a game called "News Flash". This is for Carlotta, Meg, and Erik. What's going to happen is Carlotta and Meg are going to be covering a breaking news story with Erik out in the field. He'll be in front of what we call a green screen—he can't see anything but green behind him, but the audience can see what's going on. So, whenever you're ready, take it away.  
CARLOTTA: We'll be right back to "Fluffy, the Hanukkah Bunny" in just a moment, but first, we have a breaking news story to cover!  
MEG: We go to our reporter out in the field. Erik, are you there?  
ERIK: (Standing in front of little girls playing with Barbie dolls) I—I can barely hear you over this! It's just unbelievable!  
CARLOTTA: Erik, how exactly did all of this begin?  
ERIK: (As a Barbie's head goes flying through the air) Well, it all started when word got out that Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't really from Kentucky! It started with just one protester, then, grew to this! (More Barbie heads fly) It's just barbaric!  
MEG: Erik, what is your take on this situation?  
ERIK: I believe that every chicken should have a right to be deep fried in oil!  
CARLOTTA: Even if they're plastic?  
ERIK: Yes, even then!   
_Buzzer sounds._  
HOSTESS: Erik, do you have any idea where you are?  
ERIK: I'm at some sort of...toy convention.   
HOSTESS: Close enough—you're with little girls playing with Barbie dolls.  
We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it, Anyway?", don't go away!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hostess**: Welcome back to "Whose Line is It, Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points will be just like Andrew Lloyd Webber's career after he opens_ The Phantom of Manhattan_—it just won't matter.

Sorry about the long commercial break—you know how advertisers are. Anyway, let's go on to a game called "African Chant"—this is for all five of you.

_The_ Hostess_ goes up into the audience and finds a man sitting a few rows back._

**Hostess**: Hi, there, what's your name?

**Man**: Fred, Frederick Forsyth.

_There is an awkward pause._

**Hostess**: Wow. Wouldn't expect to see you here. Come on down!

_Nervously, he obeys, sitting in the chair onstage provided to him._

**Hostess**: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it turns out we have Frederick Forsyth in the house today. What's going to happen is Erik is going to sing an African chant to you—.

**Erik**: How come Erik has to do the African chant?

**Hostess**: Because you have the best singing voice. Raoul, Christine, Meg, and Carlotta are going to sing backup.

**Carlotta**: Backup? I refuse to—.

**Hostess**: Yes, you will, or I'll take away all your points!

Carlotta_ nods nervously._

**Erik**: I would first like to apologize to every African watching the show right now.

**Hostess**: Whenever you're ready, Erik, take it away!

_The accompanist begins to play an African-sounding tune._

**Erik**: (Chanting) Oy, yah, yah, yea!

**Backups**: (Chanting) Oy, yah, yah, yea!

**Erik**: (Singing) Fred!

**Backups**: (Singing) Fred!

**Erik**: (Singing) Fred likes to

write novels,

'cause his name is Fred!

**Backups**: (Singing) Fred!

**Erik**: (Singing) Fred wrote a book

all about me

and how I moved

to NYC!

His name is Fred!

**Backups**: (Singing) Fred!

**Erik**: (Singing) How did this novel

come to occur?

Fred was asked to write it

by his buddy,

Andrew Lloyd

Webber!

His name is Fred!

**Backups**: (Singing) Fred!

**Erik**: (Singing) Fred, can you ask

Lloyd Webber

what the heck is up

with his musical plans

and have him help me

find better backups?

Fred, let me say,

after the sequel,

you and your friend Andy

will end up

delivering pizza!

(Points out window) What is that, Fred?

**Backups**: (Singing, gazing in awe at where Erik pointed) Ooooooooooh!

**Erik**: (Singing) What is that, Fred? (Points again)

**Forsyth**: The city skyline.

**Erik**: (Singing) Fred says

that's New York's skyline.

Its lights sparkle like stars.

After _Manhattan_'s bad reviews,

he'll need to get really drunk

at an NYC bar.

His name is Fred!

**Backups**: (Singing) Fred!

Erik_ starts randomly chanting and dancing around the stool where_ Fred_ is sitting and the backups follow his example. The music eventually dies and_ Fred_ goes back to his seat, his face as red as a tomato. The performers take their seats._

**Hostess**: 1,000 points to Erik, 30 each for Meg and Christine, 20 for Carlotta, and nothing for Raoul—you still looked like a fop, even doing the African chant.

Raoul_ hangs his head._

**Christine**: I'll give you half my points, honey.

**Meg and Carlotta**: Me, too, Raoul.

**Erik**: I'm keeping my points.

**Hostess**: Let's go on to a game called "Hollywood Director". This is for Meg, Christine, Raoul, and Erik. What's going to happen is Christine, Meg, and Raoul are going to be acting out a film scene and Erik is going to be the big Hollywood director, who keeps telling them on how to improve the scene. The scene is this:

After murdering his brother, Mufasa, the evil lion, Scar—played by Raoul—is enjoying his reign of the Pride Lands. When Mufasa's widow, Sarabi—Meg—and Nala—Christine—enter to confront Scar about the decimating condition of the Pride Lands, he informs them that he must choose a mate and that it must be one of them. Take it away, when you're ready.

**Raoul**: Ah, it's good to be king. No wonder my brother always seemed so happy. He—(Meg and Christine enter) What do you two want?

**Meg**: Scar, the hyenas are eating more than their fair share.

**Raoul**: They haven't been_ getting_ their fair share for years! They're just eating what's owed them—they'll stop in a few days.

**Meg**: It doesn't matter if it's a few_ minutes_!

**Christine**: That's right—they're greatly upsetting the circle of life!

**Raoul**: And speaking of the circle of life . . . you know, without a queen, a king cannot leave an heir to his throne . . .

Meg_ and_ Christine_ look at each other, horrified._

**Raoul**: Sarabi, you know I loved you long before Mufasa ever did. And Nala, look at you—matured into a beautiful young female! I would be honored if either one of you consented to be my queen.

**Erik**: (Storming onto the set) Cut! Cut! I believe it was the great writer, Nathaniel Hawthorne, who once said, 'Be true, be true, be true! Show the world, if not your worst, something that's complete and absolute crap!', and you all would have to give 110 more to even reach the crap level! It needs a little—we need a little—I know! Do it like . . . like you're teeny boppers! Teeny boppers! Action! (Runs offstage)

Raoul_ instantly sprawls out on the floor, a cheesy smile on his face._ Meg_ and_ Christine_ enter._

**Meg**: Scar, like, oh, my God, you're ruining the Pride Lands!

**Christine**: Yeah!

**Raoul**: Hey, hey, relax, after all—(Sings) we're all in this together, (Spoken) right? Am I right?

**Meg and Christine**: No!

**Raoul**: Hey, you know, I'm in need of a queen—a queen who doesn't necessarily have to be a good politician, but still has to be really, really hot and unintelligent enough to the point where she'll do anything I say.

_He looks over at_ Christine_, who is giving her trademark "goldfish" look, and smiles._

**Erik**: (Storming on again) Cut! Raoul, no teeny bopper has the intelligence to make a sentence that long! All right, what we need to do is . . . I want you to do it like—we need some movement, a little energy. Do it like a Riverdance. That's right! _Never_ question my direction! Go! (Runs offstage)

_Hand-in-hand,_ Christine_ and_ Meg_ happily skip onstage, _Raoul_ skips over to them and starts dancing suggestively behind them._

**Erik**: (Dashing onstage) Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! That was horrible! The Lucky Charms leprechaun would have done a better job than you! That was a disgrace! All right, you know what? It needs . . . what if we rip off something? I know!_ Yes_! Do it like_ Casablanca_! (To Raoul) You're Captain Renault, (To Christine) you're Ilsa, (To Meg) and you're Rick. Action! (Runs offstage)

**Christine**: (To Raoul) Captain, have you seen what's being done to the Pride Lands?

**Raoul**: (Suddenly speaking with a voice that bears an uncanny resemblance to that of Claude Rains) No.

**Meg**: That's Captain Renault for you! Only takes notice of what he wants to!

**Christine**: But—but—.

**Raoul**: Listen, my dear, if you're _so_ concerned about the situation you now find yourself in, why don't you show me what the problem is?

**Meg**: Watch out—he always has a catch!

**Christine**: What do you mean?

**Raoul**: Well, since my attention is so valuable, it's going to cost you. I'd say about $600.

**Christine**: $600? I don't have $600!

**Raoul**: Well, if you don't have the _money_, you can pay me another way. (Winks)

**Christine**: Rick, what should I do?

**Meg**: Do you want my advice? Prepare to starve to death.

_The buzzer sounds, ending the game._

**Hostess**: 25 points to Raoul for his Claude Rains impression. We'll be right back with more, don't go away!


End file.
